i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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