We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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