You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I miss vodka workout Fridays
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
