Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
