Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
