I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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