My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
