my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
