peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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