Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
