singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
