Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
