Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
