Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
