Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
sex in a hospital.. check
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
