I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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