u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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