Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
