Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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