the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
