Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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