I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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