Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
