We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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