It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
