If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
