If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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