i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
