Me. At least after what I've been through.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
