im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im holly from the hills drunk
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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