can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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