I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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