I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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