Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
