Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
only you would photoshop your dick
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
