We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
