I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
