He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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