Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
