I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
