there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She bit a glass in half.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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