i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
