So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And my parents said I crawled through the house
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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