captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
