never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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