Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
