I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
