A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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