"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
