can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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