just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
