I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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