Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
