if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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