I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
