You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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